The Chillian J. Yikes Guide to Practical Opsec: Anonymous Email Edition

Step 1: First, buy rubber gloves and a balaclava…You probably want to wear a balaclava to buy the balaclava and rubber gloves to buy the rubber gloves.

Step 2: Get ahold of some cash, but not from the ATM. Donning balaclava and rubber gloves, buy a money order for $49.98.

Step 3: Install Tor. Once installed, go to  and set up an email address.  (We don’t recommend using Gmail or other popular services for which you need a phone or existing email address – but if you do, proceed with caution and make sure to either steal a phone from a child or buy an existing email address on the black market with the serial number sawed off).

Step 4: Follow Hushmail’s instructions to pay with a money order. Then, using a black and white printer in another state that doesn’t belong to you, print the page.  Be sure to wear a balaclava and rubber gloves, but don’t look suspicious!

Step 5: Next you’ll want to mail the money order to the address noted, but you’ll need to do that from a mailbox in another state (preferably a different state from the one in which you printed the page, of course.)

And that, my friends, is how you set up an anonymous email account*!


*Obvious parody. Originally serially posted to Twitter whilst in the middle of writing an actual security guide and feeling frustrated.

One reply on “The Chillian J. Yikes Guide to Practical Opsec: Anonymous Email Edition”

There’s other things to do too! Like change the gate of your walk and wear a full face mask that is not see through so the cameras on the way to buy the money order don’t know who you are.

And don’t forget to get the money order out of town, 1000 miles away should do it and pay cash for the train ticket or you’ll be marked as a terrorist if you try to buy a plane ticket that way. And make sure you mail the money order from yet another town.

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